He was barely a day old yet and I had already done something I thought I wouldn't ever do. I felt the pangs of a sense of failure even as I looked down at him, the most content he had ever looked, Similac bottle hanging from his mouth. Yet, I had already come a long way from the crying exhausted woman I had been the day before.
At nearly 10 pounds, he was the talk of the unit we were in "He's a NEWBORN?" "Yes, and it wasn't a C section." I should have felt like super woman. However,I felt like a failure at the most basic yet admittedly one of the hardest bodily functions for a woman. He breast fed and then looked at me as if he was saying "Thanks for the snack mom, when does the local baby hog trough open?" A day or two was not an adequate answer. For several hours, this conversation replayed. Baby Peanut became increasingly desperate looking, turning to his father as if to ask for the keys and directions to the nearest McDonald's .
Then a nurse came in to politely tell us the baby's blood sugar was now in the range where they were beginning to be concerned. My husband turned to me and suggested that maybe we should try formula. I felt defeated, looking down at Peanut who seemed to ask for a bottle. He looked starving and the idea that I could actually be harming him entered my head. Eventually he was given a bottle to supplement but I continued to try to breast feed.
The lovely night nurse showed me how we should advise other moms. After I had made my decision she told me how I did make the right decision for my baby. She told me that her son was her third child and the only one who did not breast feed. He was HUNGRY like my little guy. And then she introduced the Nursing Nazi.
The Nursing Nazi looked at the baby's chart and clicked her tongue "WHY did you give him formula?" His blood sugar was in the danger zone I whispered. "He's drinking too much for a supplement baby!" Enter feelings of failure. My child was destined to be a dumb, low earning, boy with the myriad of allergies he was bound to develop. Before my husband returned from taking a shower at home, the Nursing Nazi had diagnosed our son with a tongue tie. He would never stick his tongue out she said. So, not only was I defective so was he. He would be a dumb, low earning, boy with a myriad of allergies who couldn't speak correctly! Later his pediatrician reversed the tongue tie diagnosis and he can stick out his tongue!
I still plan on trying to breastfeed any subsequent children God blesses us with but for Peanut, bottle is best. Shortly after deciding to give him that first bottle, I realized whether bottle or breast is best is really the first topic of conversation for a mother and her new baby. Research seems to suggest otherwise, but a generation ago research indicated bottles were best. So, maybe just maybe we should allow the choice of whether to breastfeed or not be a private conversation between mama and her new baby.
